Chapter 1: Learning to Let Go
I finally did it. I deleted your number. And not just from my contacts, from the recent in the cloud as well. I deleted every call we exchanged so I couldn't find those digits if I really tried. I even deleted the screenshot in my album of the snap you sent me that one time you got a new phone. I deleted all of the screenshots of messages that I sent to friends over the years when I needed help deciphering. I even lost your necklace that you bought me. Although unintentional.. it was time I stopped wearing it anyways. I stopped using my friends accounts to sneak a peak at your social media page, just to fulfill the need to have a glimpse at your current life. I let you go, finally.
This process wasn't anywhere near easy. It's been almost two years since I saw you regularly and almost a year since we last saw each other in person. It's been less than a year since we last texted. It's been ten months since she found my message in her inbox. It's still the same year she called me trashy yet stuck by your side as if you weren't involved at all. It's been over a year since your old roommate judged the choices I was making. And it's been less than a year since I stopped caring what any of your friends thought. It's been almost two years since I said I loved you. It's been almost a year since I realized we were never gonna talk again.
Part of me wants to hate you. Part of me thinks I might still love you. Some people think I'm crazy for the latter but I believe when you truly love someone that feeling never really ever completely disappears. I can still picture myself across the table from you on our first date. I remember the first time you let out a loud belly laugh in my presence and I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to hear it again. I still cringe at the thought of our first kiss. I thought it was the sure end when I unintentionally jumped backwards at the touch of your lips. I always thought it was because of the chemical reaction but maybe it was the first red flag to run.
I stopped listening to the songs you sent me. I stopped hoping you'd reach out to see how I am. I stopped mentioning you when you crossed my mind. I stopped caring if you ever compared her to me. I stopped wondering if the circumstances had been different would we have made it last. I stopped blaming myself for the goodbye. Actually, I stopped blaming anything at all.
Just promise me you are happy. That's all I've ever prayed for you since you told me things would never be the same. We are two separate people in two separate worlds now. We no longer have a connection. We no longer interact. And honestly, I don't think we ever will, again. I just hope that sometimes... you wonder where and how I am. I hope you don't hate me although I am sure you do. I hope you know I never meant to hurt you, at least no more than you hurt me. I hope you remember we were just two lost people in a very broken world.
The truth is I am fine without you, any girl would be. The problem is I am tired of being fine.
-excerpts from the book I have yet to sit down and make myself write