Chapter 4: Learning How To Say Goodbye
I genuinely enjoy people, even though they do frustrate me on a regular basis. My initial reservedness does not exactly illustrate that... But once I feel known, quality time with people is where I thrive. So when people come in to my life.. I hold on to them tight. Sometimes I do (metaphorically) suffocate them but mostly I just love them fully. I admit, sometimes this love comes on my terms in my own fashion.. but all in all it is meant with the best of intentions.
Through out my life, I have always desired for the assurance that one person isn't going to leave. I want to be able to fully trust that they are one hundred percent in. That no matter where life takes me or them their voice will only be a phone call away. But the sad reality is that no human can be one hundred percent for you. They have their self to take care of and sometimes their destiny is found away from you. It's not that they don't have the want to be there through thick and thin. It's that their fate lies somewhere else and the forces are too strong to keep them in your midst. There is nothing you can say or do to keep them in this moment forever. It's a harsh reality to admit to but its a real reality that you will never be able to hide from. People in their purest forms were never meant to satisfy the desires of your heart. <-- I, me, in my purest form cannot satisfy the desires of every person that enters my life. As unfortunate and as defeating as that feels it is the truth. I, as a human, am completely incapable of fulfilling myself, much less another person. Regardless of the desire I have to walk with each person that has been and is in my life for forever... that is entirely impossible. There is a chance that I will luckily get to spend this life with a few of the same people until the end. But that is something I have no control over. I, as a human, am only capable of loving the people for the season that they are in my life. When that season will end? I have no idea. All I can pray to do is leave them better than I found them.. if and when their season in my life ends.
People in their purest forms were never meant to satisfy the desires of your heart.
Life goes through various seasons. And no, I'm not talking about the weather. I'm talking about us going through various facets of life. Life seems to always have you in some particular "season" that overshadows the other areas of your life for different periods of time. Through every facet of life, you will need to be equipped with the right quantity and quality of people to support you through.
Currently, as I have un-enthusiastically mentioned before, I am in a "process" season. Basically it is a season of growth. It isn't exactly fun. It isn't always fulfilling. And I definitely cannot presently see the goodness from it. No matter how many times my Community Group has encouraged me that they "see a huge change in me.." I sadly don't inherently believe compliments as truth. In the long run, I do internally know it'll be beneficial. Unfortunately that is about the only truth I have to hang on to and my stubbornness is not very receiving of that truth. In the year from now when I look back, it'll be so evident in the ways it shaped me. But right now, in this second.. it without a doubt does not give me life. I am moody, bitter, annoyed, tired, overwhelmed, and at times completely apathetic to all of my actions. Even just a couple of days ago, I was on the phone with someone who had had a family member pass away. All of my responses to them stayed very informational formal with no, "I am so sorry to hear that". <-- Apathy y'all. It is NOT my fruit giving trait. I do believe I was able to redeem myself, at least, over the multiple calls to follow that we exchanged with each other.
But more so than just being in a "process" season... This season also comes with some facets of its own. My life is currently a clock that reveals a pie chart as the hands move along. And unluckily for me, I cannot see the next facet or the date that the clock has on its midnight hour. (insert straight faced, eyes closed emoji) I am currently in the section centered on the two letters, M-E. Yep, that's right, I am being forced to get all close up and personal with myself. My thoughts come in the letters of L-O-V-E-L-Y, with a huge eye roll to follow.
This area is forcing me to become acutely aware of what makes me tick (no pun intended, well.. maybe a little bit). It's revealing all about why I am the way I am. Why I say the things I say, in the tone that I say them. Why I allow certain people to influence my choices. And why I lack dignity behind other decisions I have made. Why I fail to smile at my reflection and why I struggle accepting and believing compliments. Why I despise the process and why I am so prone to turn and run away as fast as possible.
This period tumbles between selfishness and self loathe because I am struggling to accept this period at all. 80% of my time is requiring me to be self focused. And let me tell you, that is real uncomfortable. For me, it feels self-absorbed. Although selfishness is one of my sin struggles.. I do not outwardly portray that trait. I don't really like myself in general, to be honest. So I do not get an abundance of joy from spending time with just me, myself, and I. However, I am beginning to realize that God would like that area of my life to change. MEH.
Originally, I internalized this area. I took it upon myself, alone, to deal with myself. I am slowly starting to accept that this is not the way it is intended to be handled. I am highly negatively biased in how I view myself. In order for that negative bias to change, I need positive influences. Unfortunately not every influence currently in my life is a positive influence. So as much as I hate to do so, I am having to refine my influences. My own selfish desire to use people in order to silence my internal voice.. will now be the reason I am having to cut people out. It really is such a joy receiving karma for your own actions.. said no one EVER.
This feeling of having to step back from people that I have already committed to.. is not an easy thing for me to accept. When I make the decision to place someone in my life, I am all in. I know exactly what being "left behind" feels like. And never would I ever wish that on my worst enemy. So thinking that I am being forced to do exactly what I promised I would never put someone else through.. does not put my feelings at ease, at all. The only thought getting me through this is knowing that things taken away always leave a space for better things to come. The timing of that "better thing to come" though is not always a pleasant wait. Unfortunate scenarios like this is what happens when we take our will out of God's hands and try to manipulate it through our own.
Things taken away always leave a space for better things to come.
In this stage of my life, God is forcing me to focus my energy on the people vital to my growth, alone. I have to gain the ability to dictate who's going to help support me in my battles and who is going to drain me. I do not have enough energy to allow people that are not going to nurture me in this season to utilize that 80% I need to survive.
I really wish life was fair at times like this. I really wish everyone understood my perspective or at least supported it. And most of all I really wish I wasn't learning how to say goodbye. But sometimes God comes knocking and if you make the decision not to answer, circumstances will eventually force you to answer. So here's to praying this period ticks on quickly to the next. Pun completely intended.
- excerpts from the book I have yet to sit down and make myself write