Confessions From The Other Woman
I used to despise the girl my first boyfriend cheated on me with. Actually, I despised any girl he flirted with, talked to, basically any girl he even glanced at. Slight exaggeration but my trust with him strung that thin. Of course, at the time I didn't see it as a lack of trust in him but a lack of trust in the girls he spent his time with. Instead of thinking the worst of him, I always saved my worst thoughts for the girls involved. I used to say "any girl who cheats with a guy in a relationship is a whore". Strong word, right? Well I believed it. I believed they were trash. I believed they laughed at the fact that they were "ruining my life". I believed that they were honestly brain washing my boyfriend. How naive was I. I believed it was never my boyfriend's fault because those three little words continued to come out of his mouth. I had a never ending forgiveness for his actions but a continuously growing hit list for the girls I'd find in his life.
Six years down the road and I never thought I'd be sending those texts. I never thought I would be capable of lying straight to peoples faces that I loved. I never thought I could become the person I had for years despised. I had always had my mind set on how I felt about about cheaters.. and then I swapped roles. Maybe not intentionally. And to some, maybe not at all. But to me, I was now among the lowest of the lows. There I was, replaying the nights over and over again in my head.
Why was my phone being lit up by his snap saying he was headed in to town? Why was I letting him pick me up from the Sports Bar? Why were we sitting at the Whataburger booth eating like old friends? Why did I spend an hour in front of my house in his car talking about the depths of life? Why was I opening myself back up to a guy that wasn't available to catch me? Why was I responding to his text after he left with "come back"? Why was the only hesitation in his voice the assurance that he couldn't be mine? Why was he turning the door knob of the door that entered my room?
I found myself deleting texts so the conversation made sense but hid the trace of his footsteps leading to my door. There I was standing in my kitchen the following morning making small talk with my roommate. I remember her asking the subtle, did anything happen? I looked her dead in the eyes and was capable of saying "we just talked". Then my phone lit up with a good morning from the guy I had recently become acquainted with. My stomach dropped as I was reminded that I had just ruined the future we might of had. After all, who would want to be with a girl that had just assisted his best friend in being unfaithful.
Why was he asking to see me again? Why was I texting him from our go to bar? Why was I saying hi to all his friends and ignoring him? Why did he call me out? Why were we dancing to a country song? Why did he say he missed me? Why couldn't I say it back? Why was I asking where he went? Why was he picking me up in his car again? Why couldn't I tell him I still loved him? Why had he wanted to spend time with me? Why was I getting upset? Why was I telling him to "cherish her for gods sake"?
It lasted for six months and I caught on to the routine quick. We could talk while he was at work or on the nights she had already fallen asleep. We'd plan for the times we'd meet up again. We'd talk about life and how hard it had got. We'd exchange songs that reminded us of each other. That was our mutual love language. It took six months for the guilt to catch up. I gave him an ultimatum telling him we had to stop. When he didn't tell her, I took the initiative on myself. I remember never including the words "sorry" in that letter because I'm not sure if I was. A month past and I forgot the message was ever sent. Facebook has its creative ways of hiding things between non friends.
Why was I driving across the metroplex in the pouring rain? Why was I standing in his living room taking my shoes off? Why was he grabbing my hand leading me in to the other room? Why did he make the situation seem so casual? Why was I strategically placing my plate and fork in his sink? Why was I checking the time to make sure I left before she got home? Why was he texting me the next morning making sure I didn't leave anything behind? Why did he suddenly seem panicked and I was now nonchalant?
A year later and I suppose he wasn't so offended by me or his best friend because a snap came through. An old friend, a familiar place. "Old times sake" he talked his way through. I put up a wall at first, knowing how much pain I had put myself through. He was good with words and I was good at believing his lies. A week later and there I was standing in his living room. He seemed a little too relaxed and I seemed a little too tense. Was I really willing to lose myself for another guy that couldn't catch my fall? I never understood how someone in a relationship could be willing to risk hurting someone to that extent until I experienced the thrill of it all.
Why was I now parking across the street instead of in front of his home? Why was I walking in through the garage instead of the front door? Why wasn't I allowed to answer the door for the Chinese food? Why was I glancing more than once at her clothes hanging in the closet? Why did he always seem overly comfortable? Why did it seem he was a little too used to this game he played? Why was I leaving with no regret?
Just one night was all it took. To change my mind and my outlook. It entertained me that the girls thought blocking me would keep him away. Trust me, I have experience in that game. No, I didn't enjoy lying. No, I definitely didn't enjoy being woken up to 3:30 am phone calls. No, I didn't prefer the term trashy. But the truth was.. I stopped caring a long time ago. After all, I wasn't the one in a relationship. I wasn't the one with anything to lose aside from my dignity. But in my mind I lost that a long time ago. I was numb to it all.
Why was I so casual about the situation when my friends brought it up? Why was I able to remove my emotions from the equation? Why had I become so relaxed to it all? Why was I able to convince myself that it wasn't affecting me? Why was I okay with the initiation? Why was I being blocked on a regular basis? Why even when they knew their girlfriends were catching on did they continue to reach out?
Yes, if you ever would have asked me directly I would have told you the truth. I would have told you the truth, but only if I couldn't hear him in the background. Remember, I was tempted by his lies. I didn't care if I was exposed. He did. The guys cared but I didn't. What did I have to lose? I've been hated. I was used to taking all of the blame. It was to be expected. You forget that I was once the girl in your place. I was once naive to it all. I believed every word out of my boyfriends mouth. But sometimes you have to stand in someone else's shoes. Sure, I remember the pain I went through. But I also remember wishing I had been strong enough to walk away instead of holding on to someone who really didn't love me at all.
Why are you blaming me for all of this happening? Why am I the only one feeling guilty enough to tell the truth? Why can't they come to terms with the games they enjoy playing so much? Why do I get called trashy and he gets a "you're forgiven"? Why is the one outside of the relationship always pinned as the homewrecker? Why is your significant other comfortable enough with risking your relationship? Why is he so easily tempted? Why is it that I get the death glares when he might of approached me first?